---
I wish I was James Bond, just for the day
Kissing all the girls, blow the bad guys away.
---

Ahh, isn't this woman great?

She can write fantastic stories that are well-thought out with good characters and a decent plot.

In case you hadn't noticed, I am not talking about Stephanie Meyer. However, I will now.

Basically, I was having a good ol' IRL rant about this bitch-queen today when my family and I went into town. Of course, no-one had any idea about what WTH I was on, so they all (as they do) ignored me. BUT THAT'S OK, because I got it off my chest. Yep, doing it here as well, because I'm feeling good, I'm naked and the window is open, letting in all the clean, clean country air.

This all stemmed from when my friend and I found a few copies of 'Eclipse' at the school book fair. I wanted to buy two- one to burn and one to write corrections in and then send back to Meyer (oh, can you imagine the fun?)- but unfortunately, I forgot about the £40 lingering in my wallet, the retard that I am. Seriously, went a few days without lunch because I thought I didn't have any money. *Eye roll at self*

You guys want good stories? The Darren Shan Vampire Chronicles, and his Demonata series and the Artemis Fowl series to name a few. Excellent stories with none of this purple prose of Meyer.

ANYWAY, yes, I was reading excepts from 'Eclipse' to my friend, and we were seriously falling over ourselves laughing at how fucking shitty the writing is.

*Cracks knuckles* Let me read you a couple of sentences that have stuck in my mind. These were what I saw when I flicked through the book, and I practically snorted in laughter while reading them out to my friend.

'...and then I yawned hugely.'

'...I staggered woodenly at his side.'

(I know that there's probably a lot, lot better examples of this woman's fucked-up writing in the book, but hey, I just skimmed.)

*Applauds* I AM SO GLAD SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE ADVERBS PROPERLY! </sarcasm>

NO. THIS IS NOT HOW THOSE 'LY' WORDS ARE USED. YOU CANNOT TACK THIS SUFFIX ONTO EVERY OTHER WORD TO MAKE THE SENTENCE PRETTY.

...Though she gets enough describing done over that cunt Edward, amirite?

(Yes, I'm aware that both 'hugely' and 'woodenly' are words, but seriously, bad placement.)

By the way, Meyer, quit it with those 'ly' words, would ya?

I can't read and get through a story and enjoy it if there are massive, gaping grammar mistakes like these. I really can't. Call it writer's sense, or whatever, but I notice these little mistakes, these little flaws in your writing, Meyer, and they are simple things that ANYONE who is serious about writing knows not to do. Hell, anyone with half a brain could look at these stories and say 'what the fuck is this shit?'. Then again, let's face it- the fans aren't exactly all there, are they?

Also, I am ashamed to admit that she had a word in there that I didn't know- 'aroxsyms'. Now, thank you, I have a large vocabulary (at least, I like to think I do) but it had me WTFing over it. Meyer? Adding advanced (lulz) words in your stories does not make up for the overall shit standard.

Bad Meyer. Very bad. Were your editors out to lunch, or are they just busy masturbating over their large amounts of money while laughing at you?

I must admit, it was very clever of you to build up some guy who is as pretty as a superstar model. (Edward the fucktard with no personality) What's the target audience for this book- early teens? Yep, clever of you to appeal to all the thick, impressionable girls as puberty hits them and they turn sexually active so that they can buy your awful books and then gush about how that Edward boy is so gosh darn cute.

In short, Stephanie Meyer, you have inspired me.

Inspired me to write something better than that pile of shit you call a story.

Please cut out your brain so that this nightmare ends.

Hugs and kisses,

Skarto.

(P.S. Thank you for fucking up the whole concept of vampires with your pussy, weedy-ass pieces of shit. I like my vampires dangerous, vicious- proper vamps that'll rape a virgin and then rip her throat out. Yeah, that's what vampires are all about. Afraid to get your hands dirty?)

To everyone who is not SM: Gentlemen, it's been an honour.



I've had the last laugh.